Slow Your Roll, Real Simple
I started subscribing to Real Simple Magazine about a year ago in an effort to simplify and organize my crazy, circus of a home. I myself being a self-proclaimed “neat freak” I can appreciate cleaning tips and organizing hacks. Real Simple Magazine taught me how to organize my pantry by “types of food,” which only other neat freaks can drool over. But this latest article “10 Brilliant Spring Cleaning Shortcuts” made me do a double take.
During the Christmas Holidays, I dive headfirst into Real Simple’s “not so simple” Christmas Cookie Recipes and (ridiculously impossible unless you’re a pastry chef) DIY projects like “mini-gingerbread houses.” I mean really, did I think I stood a chance at these?..As much of a chance as “Frosty the Snowman” does in Hell.
But I persevere, religiously reading Real Simple. Drinking the perfectly mixed “kool-aid.” In the ongoing pursuit of that perfectly symmetrical centerpiece. Always setting my goals high. Past the perfect pantry, further than the uncluttered countertop, even going as far as cleaning my cleaning supplies!
So my apologies Real Simple, but when I excitedly opened my weekly email newsletter and I read your article entitled “10 Brilliant Spring Cleaning Shortcuts,” I quickly came to the conclusion that surely you must have published this article in error. Or maybe as a delayed April Fools Joke? Because for the love of Heloise no person in their right mind would follow this absurd Spring Cleaning list.
Real Simple’s List of Ridiculous impossibilities
Let me start with Real Simple’s nonsensical cover. You can check it out here. It features an oh so cute baby blue cleaning bucket. Hold your mops people, it’s metal. The paint will chip and it will rust eventually If you really plan on using it for cleaning. Which I doubt you plan on doing if your willing to shell out $17 flipping dollars for a cleaning bucket!
Here is a pic of my bucket that I paid $2 for at Walmart, five years ago. Granted it’s not cute but it works just fine. If I had $17 for a cleaning bucket wouldn’t that mean I could hire a staff to clean for me? Most likely yes.
Real Simple opens with their;
“ Plan of Attack : Some parts of your home can go months without a deep clean: window treatments and even the oven can get by with regular light cleaning from week to week.” …
Um… regular light cleaning week to week? What in Betty Crocker’s name are they baking in their ovens that they need to be cleaned “week to week?” My oven is lucky if it sees some Easy Off once every 6 months and I’m a clean freak!
Another little nugget of wisdom from Real Simple;
Start simple: Tackle a low-traffic space like a dining or living room first—your speed and success will motivate you to keep going.
Ok, Low traffic?! …A living room what kind of organic MJ are they smoking? Whose living room is low traffic? As I’m writing this I’m staring at a husband playing something on his phone on a couch, a son eating, and two dogs in the living room making a mess. Never have I been “speedy” at cleaning or motivated. I think I can speak for the majority of us in saying we clean out of necessity and in the hopes of never being featured in an episode of ‘Hoarders.”
Real Simple also tells us to
” Go top-to-bottom, back-to-front: Avoid backtracking by working with gravity—when you dust high surfaces like ceilings and furniture, ”
“Ceilings?” When did I miss the memo that I was supposed to be dusting my ceiling? NO just NO. So I’m going to save you some time and skip the entire next section on advice how to clean your ceilings AND WALLS. In case you were wondering how to clean them. Oh, and FYI they mention the “wide flat mop head works on stucco” for you stuccoed wall peeps.
PS. Real Simple …Stucco consists of mortar, sand, and water. Doesn’t that already make it dirty?
Finally, My Most favorite tidbit from Real Simple. Cleaning your carpet and rugs, they have this to say…
“No need to empty a room completely before vacuuming says Reichert; simply move furniture out of the way—and then replace—as you go.”
I would honestly love to meet you if you move your furniture completely out of the room when you vacuum, or at the very least “simply move furniture out of the way.” I’m honestly frightened at the thought of moving just the seat cushions for fear of what piece of leftover food, toy or possibly month old sock might be hanging around! Last time my furniture was moved, WAS WHEN WE MOVED.
Real Simple, leave the cleaning to us. The pro’s who know how to hide a carpet stain with a piece of furniture. Or can “Febreze and Clorox wipe” our bathrooms faster than a Nascar pit crew. So when uninvited guests pop in, they are led to believe we keep an immaculate house. The majority of Real Simple’s cleaning advice is as realistic as a unicorn dropping off Mary Poppins to do my cleaning for me.
Real Simple, Please just Sit down.
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